I love to share my stories, feelings and thoughts on things normally. But with this – my depression and anxiety – I decided to not share it with any friends. Simply to avoid being talked about behind my back (or me falsely thinking that they are) as I knew it would only stress me out more. I guess this is why I share everything on my blog so that people who would value my words can read it if they want to.
I have stopped drinking and therefore do not go out anymore which is so much better for me and I do not miss those days in the slightest. But, obviously my friends started asking why I made excuses all the time and was not as fun as I used to be. And several times they got quite nasty when I said no once again. So I decided to tell my closest friend for 9 years to explain the situation.
She was lovely about it and promised to not tell the others and even offered to come over right there and then. But, two days later I received messages off two other girl friends of mine asking if I was okay, they had heard I wasn’t well. This is quite unusual as they only message to arrange meeting up.
Obviously, my first thought was friend A had told friend B and who had told friend C. They had not kept their promise and now I thought everyone knew and will be talking about me. This made me very sad for about a day and I thought about it over and over until I wore myself out.
Then friend A privately messaged me asking to meet up, just us two. I decided to ask directly if she had told anyone before I met up with her. She said no and I was skeptical at first but decided to trust her, meet up and see what she has to say.
Leading up to it I was worried that she only wanted gossip from me or because I had this really interesting ‘thing’ she wanted to know all about. I had a bad night the night before because I was overthinking everything. What if she just wants gossip? What if she will go away and laugh at me? Things like that were just swimming in my head and would no leave.
We met at our usual cafe and all pleasantries were exchanged; hows your boyfriend? How’s your job? How was your holiday? etc. We very quickly got back into our old school friend flow, I was surprised how easy it was going compared to this awful event I had built up in my mind. She didn’t ask and I didn’t bring it up, the conversation just flowed into talking about me. I opened up to her and she opened up to me. She told me about people who had gotten through it and what causes it and different information about depression. She had obviously researched the topic a little and asked her own mum about her experiences, which was surprising, it was nice of her to open up like that. She helped me out a lot and gave me solutions and scenarios I had not previously thought about. It was quite touching that an old friend had done research to try and help me out.
With regards to friend B, she even said that they had not spoke or met up for a while because of friend B’s current behavior. I had jumped to conclusions (as usual) and the other friends texting had been a coincidence or something else they had seen, nothing to do with friend A – they hadn’t even spoke to each other in a while!
I had a really good time chatting and catching up and things were not as I thought or envisioned. I felt pretty good afterwards for a brief period of time.
The moral of the story is to not jump to the first conclusion, as I did, but consider other options or simply just ask them to find out the straight truth. Do not overthink! I do and it spirals me down into dark places. In this case I spiraled for no reason at all, it was all false and in my head. Friends are real friends and they are all mostly there for you and do care, no matter what your mind is telling you. Don’t always believe what your mind is making up! 🙂